Lonely Nights
by zooby4
Summary: Everyone has their breaking point. Cat's finally reaching hers. Slipping, slowly falling. At the same time, Jade is collapsing on herself, getting swallowed by her own misery. How can anyone get past this overwhelming darkness? How can you push through what's inside you? Mentions of suicide, self harm and eating disorders. Cade, AU
1. Breaking - Cat

She buries her face into her pillow. She wants to scream, feeling it in her gut. But every time she tries, nothing comes out. Only tears. Only a hoarsely whispered 'fuck' over and over again. Curling up into a ball, the girl lays alone in her dark room, letting the music she has on completely fill her. It's easy. There's nothing else inside her. Just the hurt. The emptiness. She lets out a sob. All she wanted was someone to love her. All she wanted was to be important to someone. She thought she found that, but as usual, she was so wrong. But she should've known better. Who would want her? Nobody. She was just an accident. A mistake in every way. She wasn't supposed to be born, and that's why they gave her up the second she came out. Her parents wish they hasn't gotten her. They've said it before. Her friends always find better friends. The people she's with always move on. And now. And now her best friend. The love of her life. Telling her she doesn't make her happy anymore. That she doesn't want them to be together anymore. After everything they'd been through. The poor girl thought she'd found the one. Someone who would love her unconditionally. Someone who would never hurt her. The one thing she really needed. Someone who was there for her, and that she actually felt comfortable opening up to.

It was summer when things fell apart. She had to go away. She didn't want to. Her parents wanted to get rid of her for a few months. They didn't give her a choice. She did enjoy herself, but all the while, her entire world was slowly falling apart. When her heart was ripped out, she snapped. She remembers the night with perfect clarity. She was sitting in the corner she always went to when she wanted to be alone. Her best friend on one side, and the counselor she had begun to trust on the other. Leah. The poor girl had no idea why she felt okay talking to Leah. She didn't trust people. All they ever do is make promises to her, and never keep them. They hurt her and lie to her and break her down. People love to watch her crumble. They love making her fall.

7th grade. The girl was first starting to crack from all the people ripping her apart, showing her no mercy. Then she made the foolish mistake of giving her heart to someone who had no business having it. They cut it into tiny pieces, leaving it to die. The girl had done very thin she could for them, trying to make them happy. They threatened to kill themselves if she ever left. And so she stayed, allowing herself to be hurt by them. The final push to send her spiraling downwards. A fall she is still in the middle of. Maybe the beginning. She can't say, it hasn't ended yet. At this point she doesn't think it ever will.

She met a boy. He was so sweet, so perfect and caring and he loved her with his whole heart. She wanted so badly to love him back. But she couldn't. She knew deep down, she could never love him like that. She had to leave him. And in turn, she hated herself that much more. She hasn't wanted to break his heart like that. But she was getting worse and worse. Falling quicker, and with every second, the hole she was in just it darker and seemingly more never ending.

When freshman year started, she hoped things would get better. And maybe they would have if she wasn't so damn stupid. She met a girl, and believed she had love. The other girl had said it was love. Given her every reason to believe it. And so she did. Because she just wanted someone to finally want her. But this other girl, she was just a monster in human flesh. She seemed to feed off the broken girls hopelessness. Her need for human affection. In the end, the girl ended up worse off than before. She was so tired of the endless hurt she let herself take.

But then she met another girl. One so beautiful, she made her heart melt. Jade was her name. Jadey, she called her. She never expected to fall in love, so slowly but surely, she did. It was only a week after they met that the girl asked Jade out. She said yes, and the girl was pleased. She didn't expect much to come from the relationship, and later on found out neither did Jade. But so much came from it. Jade showed the girl how to be happy. Something the girl wasn't familiar with any longer, the happiness having left her years before. She opened up to the girl. She let her heal the wounds, both inside and out. She started to climb out of the hole in which she had been falling. She told her all her secrets. How she never felt like she belonged anywhere. How she always felt like such a disappointment. She told her all the things she'd done to try and make herself stop breaking. All the things she'd done to make herself fall so deep. She told her about how much she could scare herself. And despite all of it, Jade loved this helpless girl. She promised the girl that she'd always want her. She told her she'd love her forever. The girl, the foolish child she was, believed her. A mistake she'd sworn she'd never make again.

When the girl left for camp, she didn't realize she was leaving her relationship behind, in a place she'd never find it again. Jade didn't just break the girl. She pushed her back into the hole, letting the girl fall further and faster than she ever had before. Oh how she wanted to act like it was all okay. But at this point, nothing could cover up how tired she was. She was completely exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally drained beyond all hope of hiding it. She sulked. She slept every chance she got. Spent countless nights crying. She felt pathetic. She felt so stupid for letting this girl help. Nobody ever really wanted to help her. Whenever she tried to find help for herself, they told her she was fine. That it was just a bad day. That she always had a smile on, so she was happy. Eventually she had given up on getting help. She just let herself stay miserable. She should've done the same with Jade.

Oh she knew they were wrong about her. She knew there was something wrong with her. She couldn't figure out why nobody else did.

When she first started talking to Leah when something was wrong, it was only because someone went and got her. The girl only talked to her to distract herself, only giving the counselor snippets of what was really going on. The girl had no idea if she knew what was really going on, and she still doesn't. All she knew was that she had started to want to open up. She wanted to let everything out. But every time she tried, something in her just wouldn't let her. She hated it, but kept it in.

She snapped. It was so stupid and she knows it. She just got so mad at him. She hadn't meant to attack him like that. When Leah found her, she remembers she was shaking. She lost it as soon as she heard the question 'hey. What's wrong. Talk to me.' She wanted to let it all out then but nothing came out but sobs and a seemingly endless flow of tears. Eventually she got out what had happened. She was so sure she'd made Leah hate her for what she did. The thought made her cry even harder because she really couldn't handle losing someone else she was actually starting to trust. When the camp guidance counselor came to talk to her, she seemed so fixated on threatening the girl, trying to scare her into talking. But after a lifetime of being yelled at every day, it just made things worse. Because she was already terrified of what this would do to how much she hated herself. She knew it would make things worse. The guidance lady eventually got her higher up, who also yelled at her, only worse. Leah was the only one who didn't yell, which made things better but also terrifying. Because when they're calm, they blow up even more. The higher up guidance counselor yelled and threatened and eventually made her talk to someone. She could choose though. After a few seconds, she muttered Leah and the two were left alone.

She was trying so hard to talk in between sobs. Talking about how ever since she was little, people made fun of her for everything. Because she was different. Because it was so easy to get the tears flowing. She told her about how she put up walls to keep people out, to stop them from hurting her. That she isn't really mean, but she'd rather people think she is. That way they won't want to get close. She acts cold and rude to keep herself safe. Eliminate the problem before it occurs.

She remembers the way she stopped mid sentence when the door opened. They told her to go to bed, so she did. The way the tears welled up, no matter how hard she tried to fight them back. The overwhelming fear of losing her newly found friend, a distraction in the form of a talk blonde counselor. The fear of how Jade would react when she told her, because despite the break up, she knew she had to. She remembers looking up at the sound of someone walking in. It was Leah. The girl braced herself to be yelled at more. Instead the older counselor pulled her into her arms and held her. She told her she loved her and if she ever needed to talk to anyone, she was always there. She kissed the girl on the head and sent her to sleep. She couldn't believe it. Nobody loved her.

She called Jade with the phone she wasn't supposed to have. She begged her as quietly as she could to talk. To make things better like she always used to do, back when she loved her. Back when her heart still beat for the girl so broken beyond repair. Jade agreed to the girls request, whispering words of love she never thought she'd hear again, not from Jade. But she knew it wouldn't change anything between them. She didn't really love her anymore. She just wanted her tears to stop falling. The lonely girl slipped into a restless sleep, listening to the gentle melody of the Jades loving words, the tears still falling.

That was the night she dreamed of death. The night she realized her life was worthless and that nothing would ever come from her being alive.

Jade didn't want her. Nobody ever would.


	2. Home - Jade

_"Today I realized some things. There is a part of my girlfriend that hates me and everything I am. A part of her that will always hate me. And lately, that's the only part of her I really get to see. Once in awhile I'll get the part of her that loves me. The part that cares about me and how I feel. But.. it's getting less and less frequent. Honestly, it's gotten to the point where I can't even figure out why she's with me. I really don't feel like she has any love left for me at all. It feels like.. There's an emptiness in my stomach that just won't leave. She keeps telling me to leave her alone. To go away. That I don't love her and that I want to leave her. That I'm mean. She keeps giving me these blunt, one worded answers and when we talk on the phone she's just cold. Hollow. Unloving. It feels like my entire world is just crumbling down around me. This is the girl I plan on marrying one day but I just don't think she wants that anymore. And it kills me to say it but I feel like she wants to leave me and just doesn't know how. It feels like my heart is being broken over and over and over again. I fucking hate myself so much because I feel like.. I feel like such an idiot. I trust her with everything. She knows practically everything about me, and I thought I knew everything about her. But she just. She doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me to listen to her when she needs me. She doesn't think I can handle it. If it helps her without causing her any harm, I can handle anything. What I don't get is that.. it's been a year. A whole fucking year. And it hasn't been a fucking walk in the park, unless you think parks are full of rabid bears and dragons and muggers and a whole mess of things. But I've stayed with her through all of it because.. because if anyone is worth that, it's her. But just. It's so hard because I miss her. I miss being able to talk to her. I miss getting on skype with her before bed and falling asleep smiling. I miss the pointless conversations we would have about nothing because we don't have all that much in common. I miss her. I miss us. I miss feeling like I had somewhere to go when I was lonely. But lately.. lately when I'm lonely, if I try to find her I just get lost. She thinks I hate her. I don't hate her. That's the thing. Sometimes it really feels like I should but I don't. Because for whatever reason I am still in love with her. And it feels like I'm losing her. I don't want to lose her. I can't. I just don't know how to make it stop. I need her to stop pushing me away. She keeps giving in to her head and every time she does.. she just... it feels like she wants me gone. like she really wants me gone so she can do whatever she wants. And it hurts. It hurts so much. she knows she's doing it too. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I try.. It never works. Never."_

Jade sits on her couch, wrapped in her sweater, thinking back to May. She broke down to her therapist, never letting a tear fall, her voice cracking almost as much as her heart.

She stares at the picture of her and her small redheaded ball of joy.

_No. Not hers._

She buries her face into her arms at the thought. Leaving Cat was so hard. She had never wanted to hurt the girl. She loves her, even now. She's just so scared, and she feels so lost. When she last saw Cat, she just stared at her pizza, not knowing what to do with it. Jade still looks at everything with such a broken look in her eyes and she knows it's hard for her little Kitten to see her go through that because she knows that feeling so well. It's something Jade wouldn't wish upon anyone. Nobody deserves to feel that emptiness. It's. Tiring. It's tiring and unforgiving and it wraps you up completely, squeezing until there's nothing left and Jade doesn't want Cat to see her like that. Cat has her own things going on, and as much as Jade wants to help her she can't. Especially not now. Her better half is gone and she needs to be okay to get it back.

She feels herself breaking more and more, but she can't bring herself to take her mind off of Cat. The tiny girl with hair to match a cupcake. She was her rock. Her home. Where she felt safe, and the only person to ever make her think the word _home,_ and think something good. Somewhere warm. Safe is being wrapped up with Cat. Her little kitten. Home is where the heart is, and the beautiful girl she once called her own will always have her heart.

Jade gets up and walks over to the drawer where she keeps her blades, her weed and all her happy memories. She pulls out an unused blade and smiles at the familiarity of the sharp metal piece in her hand. Her friend and her enemy. Always there for her, but always causing pain. The smile fades as she presses the blade against her skin.

As the tears finally fall, she whispers two words. Two words Cat would never be able to hear. Jade prays they'll get to her somehow, as the red starts to bead up, slowly falling. It drips down from her arm to the floor, as jade whispers the same two words over and over again. Needing them to get to Cat. Needing them to get home.

_"I'm sorry."_

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**SO how do you all like it so far?**

**I know this chapter is significantly different from the last, but that's because I wanted it to be more Jade-ish**

**Tell me what you think or any advice or whatnot :)**


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